Secrets and Lies
by bjxmas
Summary: 4.14 Sex and Violence tag. The distance between us continues to grow, weighed down and stretched taut by all the secrets and lies, the hurts and betrayals…all the crap from demons and angels to the freaking apocalypse, and it’s too much. Two POVs. Angst.
1. We're Good

4.14 Sex and Violence tag with input from 4.15 Death Takes a Holiday

Secrets and Lies

"_The first casualty when __war__ comes is truth.__"_ - Anonymous

Chapter One - We're Good

How many lies are too many? How many times can my brother tell me he didn't mean what he screamed out in anger? That what he coldly told me, point-blank to my face, isn't real 'cause it wasn't really _him?_

How many times can he explain it away as simply the supernatural influence of the bad doctor, or a vengeful demon, or a crafty siren pulling out thoughts and words that don't exist…that aren't buried deep down in that darkest corner of his soul? Lies that were never meant to find their way to daylight, lies that would have stay buried forever if not for the curse of some evil using them against us.

Lies he tells himself to hide how he truly feels…what he really thinks of _me_.

And how many times can I lie to myself and say it doesn't matter? That it's okay…forget it…I'm past it. Tell him we're good…

When we're not.

_Lies.…_

How can I continue to pretend he's still my little brother? Still my Sammy… That he would ever again look up to me. That he would still want to be just like his big brother.

That we're still who we used to be, brothers united; brothers until the very end…whatever end fate leads us to.

He's changed and I don't even recognize who he is.

How long can I ignore the secrets and lies that are tearing us apart?

When will I finally admit the last of our brotherly bond was shattered by the hammer of his words, fractured into a thousand jagged pieces, too sharp and dangerous to be of any use, destined to be tossed aside like tiny shards of glass, worthless and unwanted?

When will I concede that we may never be able to piece us back together? Both too damaged to ever again connect as one, the edges defining us no longer fitting within the framework of who we once were.

The bitter truth is maybe he doesn't want to hang on to the old, maybe I've been replaced by his new and exciting powers and his new BFF Ruby? When I died, maybe he _did _learn to live without me…and now he's simply moved on.

Maybe he doesn't need his big brother anymore.

Maybe I am obsolete.

His harsh words slice through my gut, and damn it, how long can I deny that it _hurts?_ Not just the words, but what they mean. What they _really_ mean.…

Maybe I'm just too tired to keep playing this game. Too damn weary to keep pretending.

He's distant.

He's keeping secrets and he's _lying _to me.

I never would have believed it, but it's impossible to ignore.

Lord knows, I've tried…and I've tried to understand…as best I can. It's just so damn hard.

I've begged him to tell me what the hell is going on. To quit lying and tell me the truth, straight up. Just tell me what he is freaking doing with Ruby and these demonic powers of his. The powers he swore he wasn't using…respecting my dying wish and all….

The distance between us continues to grow, weighed down and stretched taut by all the secrets and the lies, the hurts and betrayals…all the goddamn crap from demons and angels to the freaking apocalypse; and it's too much, too goddamn much.

I've tried, but I'm at a loss…I don't know what more I can do to fix this.

I've tried reasoning with him, lost my temper and used my fists to try and pound some sense into that thick skull of his. I've threatened and cajoled. Told him _God_ doesn't want him doing this, and yet, nothing I do stops the lies…or quells the secrets.

Dad warned me. Told me I might have to end him. I never would have believed it, but now, I'm not so sure. I still don't think I could do it; and Sam, well…Sam hasn't done anything yet to make me think that I should. To make me think it's gone that far.

But the time grows nearer. I can feel it in my bones, the truth whispering in my ear, moving us down that road toward the inevitable.

He tells me it isn't so, that he's _not_ using his powers, but I'd have to be an idiot not to see what he can't hide.

My brother is keeping secrets, secrets from _me, _and then forcefully denying it as more lies come in a torrent, spewing from his mouth and he doesn't even see how false he is.

How far off the reservation he's gone, how far from _normal_, from who he used to be.

And I'm left stranded by the side of a road paved with good intentions, watching…knowing…waiting for the deception to seal his fate, exploding out in a fireball ready to consume every goddamn lie he's ever told.

_Worrying_…hoping we'll be able to survive the blast…that maybe after the smoke clears I'll miraculously find my brother standing amid the rubble.

Sam maintains his innocence, refuses to admit any wrongdoing.

_Denial…._

She's a real bitch and she's got him wrapped around her finger, denying what he's doing and what I know.

Refusing to see the truth.

How little I believe his lies. How the weight of his secrets is crushing us.

I am not an idiot. And I am not weak.

Every day he lies to me. And the thing is, so often it isn't even important. It's the little stuff. Seems like it's just become habit, something he does. A way to shut me out of his life.

A thoughtless reflex when he feels cornered, like a little kid covering up he stuck his hand in the cookie jar.

We are not kids anymore and he is not fighting Dad, he's fighting _me_.

This isn't Sam exerting his will…railing against the life and what's expected.

This is far, far more serious.

This is life and death…good and evil…saving the world or watching it burn.

Angels and demons are watching us and waiting for what we do.

The apocalypse is coming. It's happening…here and now.

It has never been more important for us to be together in this and yet…

I've lost the brother I knew, the guy I always depended on…and I don't know how to get him back.

He's gone.

Buried under all the careless lies and half-truths.

Hidden behind the constant deception and evasion.

_The secrets…._

Screaming out a lack of respect for me…and what we once had.

I am not the fool he thinks I am. Never was.

My _brother_ used to know that. The old Sam used to trust and believe in _me._

All we ever had in this world was family. After all we've been through, after all the hurts and loss and unrelenting evil we've faced, the one constant in our lives was _us_.

The faith I had in him and he in me.

Watching out for each other, having our brother's back. That used to matter to him….

Now he tells me he's stronger without me, that I'm _holding him back._

Lord knows, I'd never want to hold back the Boy King. Never want to sway him from his destiny, dark as it may be.

I mean, who the hell am I to stand in his way?

I'm just his brother…the last of his family.

_No one…_

No one that really matters….

He made that clear enough.

He's broken the last of that trust.

Slammed the door on _us._

But somehow I just can't let it end.

As disappointed as I am in him, how absolutely freaking furious he makes me; I can't let go.

Not totally.

Sometimes I think I want to.

Sometimes I think I _need _to.

After all I've been through, in Hell and in this fractured life I lead, sometimes it gets to be too much and I need to take a step back.

Just one step…find the space to catch my breath and get my bearings.

It's just so damn hard to keep moving forward when there's never any relief from all the promises and lies, the responsibility and burdens…the disappointments.

I am so weary…so damn tired of it all.

But as much as I want to lie down and surrender, I can't.

It's not the Winchester way. It's not how Dad raised us. I was taught to fight. But after forty years in Hell, I don't know how much fight is left…how much Alastair stripped away and what might remain.

I need a break…a moment to figure this out.

_Time…._

I just need time.

Maybe then I can come back fighting…strong enough to do the job.

I hope so.

It's what's expected.

As many times as Sam's pushed me away, all the hateful words spoken and then denied…what hurts the most is what he doesn't say. Even so, I can't turn my back on him….

Some might call it pig-headed or worse…but it's what I do.

No matter what Sam says or does, he is _still_ my brother. He'll always be my brother.

He's my family…and I need him…always have, always will.

If that makes me weak, if that makes him pity me…how _needy _I am, how desperate I always was for my family's approval, then so be it. I can't control what he thinks, any more than I can control what he does.

All I can do is my job.

I've always done my damnedest to give him everything he ever needed, but I can't give him this. I can't just stand by and watch him destroy himself…and maybe the world with him.

I keep saying we're good when he asks me, but I'm not sure I even know what that means anymore. I sure as hell know Sam don't. He is so far past good that I don't think he even remembers what it feels like to be honest and open with me.

To not lie.

And you know what the biggest kicker in all this is? Me. I'm the one who's lying to myself. Hoping, praying that I can save him, save _us._ That somehow, someway, I can make this better.

The biggest lie in this screwed-up mess is that we're gonna make it.

Tessa was right. _Humans…_ That's all we do is lie to ourselves. Otherwise, how could we even manage to get out of bed in the morning? How could we face another day, another _minute_ in these twisted times?

How could he and I keep doing what we've been doing our whole F'd-up lives?

We're all damned…and that's the gods-honest truth.

So here we are, back at the beginning, same old story as my brother turns to me and asks that same damn question, "Dean, you all right? Dean, we good?"

How could I possibly answer that? Like the truth even matters….

Regardless of how he treats me, in spite of what he says or doesn't say…I am still his big brother and I swore to protect him when Dad first placed him in my arms.

Nothing's changed there.

I can't just walk away, I can't.

So I linger, half beside him and half somewhere else, a million hurts away. We are so far apart and I don't know if we'll ever find our way back.

But he is still my Sammy, shaggy brown mop of hair hanging in his eyes, too tall frame filled out now with hard muscle and intent, those sincere puppy-dog eyes gazing at me with concern while a deceptive lilt surrounds his words with tenderness as he whispers his lies. _You know I didn't mean what I said, it was just…_ His voice filled with a softness that belies the dark lurking within as the poison of his lies slice through me with indifferent ease and I'm bleeding out, just like in the pit.

In the train wreck that our lives have become, there is one truth I can't shake, that binds me to him regardless of what he may think or say.

He is _still_ my Sammy. He'll always be my Sammy…

Even when he's not.

I am too tired to fight him on this, so weary of the endless secrets and lies.

So I give him the easy answer, what I've told him since we were kids and he'd look to me for comfort on cold, rainy nights when darkness threatened and it was just the two of us, alone and scared, "Yeah, Sammy, we're good."

I know it's a lie.

But that's what I do…all I have….

My only hope is that someday it might finally be the truth again, 'cause I want my brother back.

TBC

_Next and final chapter is Sam's POV. _

_Boys…you are freaking killing me here. _

_Thanks for reading, reviews would be lovely. Later, B.J._


	2. We Are So Not Good

"_The cruelest __lies__ are often told in silence.__"_ - Robert Louis Stevenson

Chapter Two - We Are So Not Good

I am not an idiot. I see the hurt in my brother's eyes, the betrayal knotting his gut and I hate that I'm the reason he feels that way. All his pain comes from me…his time in Hell the cost of saving my life, the hurt he now feels based in words I spoke in haste, under duress, words I never, ever would have uttered if evil hadn't loosened my tongue. Words designed to maim and destroy. To hurt my brother like I never would hurt him.

I know it's unfair, unwarranted…_wrong._

Dean doesn't deserve to look like that…_feel_ like that, not after what he's already been through.

He looks like he wants to just give up…that is, if he hasn't given up already.

I never would have believed it, but Hell took something from him. He's not whole. He's damaged now, beaten down…_broken_.

I don't want to believe it, but it's the truth.

Dean's not _Dean_ anymore.

He's changed and I don't even recognize who he is.

I have to protect him, take care of him like he's always taken care of me. I owe him that and so much more.

I want the old Dean back, the big brother I always looked up to and wanted to be. I need to see the man who fought back regardless of the cost…or the odds.

It hurts to see him like this…hesitant and scared.

Dean needs to pull himself back out of the pit and start fighting again.

I don't know what to say to make him see, to get him back on his feet, to _fix_ him…

So I say nothing, nothing except I didn't mean it, the words…the _hurt_ that wells in his eyes.

He tells me it's okay, it's past, it's over…but I see the pain.

Whipped…like a wounded animal, trapped and helpless and broken. Surrendering to the evil that's the true enemy.

I see it in his eyes, tender eyes unable to hide the hurt.

I hear it in his voice, that raspy growl, hoarse from the screams he swallowed through the night…only soothed by the whiskey he swallows through the day.

My brother is lost…unable to find his own way.

I am just the messenger…calling him back to action.

He's not up to full strength. He's struggling…and I never would have thought I'd live to see him struggle, not Dean. Even after Hell.

If anyone can survive Hell, it's Dean. He's always been the strongest man I ever knew…but that was before.

I only hope he's strong enough to withstand the words, strong enough to know I didn't mean them…not really. He's got to know I'd never say anything to hurt him.

Whatever I do think, deep down inside, I'd never say it….

_I_ _wouldn't._

He's my family…and I need him, always have, always will.

I don't think he's _weak_, but he's not who he used to be either. He's changed, and I can't blame him, I mean, god…to suffer what he suffered, thirty years of torture…. I don't blame him for wanting to play it safe. But then, that's not Dean, that's not the warrior I've always known, the guns-blasting, shoot-first-ask-questions-later, courageous and decisive…_reckless_ big brother I've always looked up to.

The guy I always had to rein in. The hunter I had to force to slow down, think it through…to not be so cocky and bold as to risk everything. The man I always tried to keep safe in spite of his nature.

Now Dean's the one playing it safe. He's cautious…hesitant, but I wouldn't call him weak. Dean's never been weak. He doesn't know _how _to be weak.

But I can't deny he's changed.

He's not who he used to be, not nearly as strong.

I am so much stronger now. We aren't even in the same league. He has no idea what I am capable of, how I can turn demons to smoke and pull them from their meatsuits with the flick of my mind.

I am powerful.

Powerful enough that Lilith is scared of me…like Dean is scared of Alastair and Hell and well…he's only human. I can't fault him for that; I mean, he lasted thirty years being tortured in Hell. _Thirty years_…gotta give the guy credit for that.

It's just…he _needs _to move past it.

He always has before; that _is_ what Dean does. Bad crap happens and he sucks it up and moves on. I'm sorry for his pain, really, I am; but we are facing the apocalypse and there isn't time for him to come to terms with Hell…not if it's gonna take time we don't have.

I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

I'm glad he opened up to me and told me what Hell was, I am. It's good he got it off his chest, but it's time to move on. He _needs _to move on.

He's the one who never wanted the chick-flick moments; I'm just doing what he's always wanted.

I need him to move on.

The truth is, I can't deal with Hell…listening to him, picturing him down in the pit, seeing it on his face, what it was, what it _did_ to him.... _God…_on top of everything else I'm going through, it's too much. I just can't deal with that now.

I don't like it, but I can't ease his pain or my guilt. I don't know what could. All I know is it's over…we both need to put it behind us.

I'm sorry I hurt him, but it wasn't _me_. I would never put more pain on my brother. I love him, but things are complicated now and he doesn't understand. And I can't _make him_ understand.

Things have changed between us.

I was alone for four months…_four months,_ and Dean…Dean was in _Hell._ We've not the same men we used to be and there is no going back.

I don't know what he expects. This ain't Kansas and I am not just the kid brother following him down that brick road. There's no great and powerful wizard who's gonna swoop in and save us or get us back home…not that the Winchesters ever had a home.

He can't just rise from the dead and expect me to fall into line, blindly following whatever he says. I am not just the little brother and he is not Dad. Face it, I was never the good soldier, obedient and willing to do whatever I was told. That was always Dean…_not me_.

Dean made his deal and left me. And dammit, that was _his_ choice.

He left me _alone._

I had to survive on my own and I did. It was damn hard, but I did it.

Things have changed between us and I get that Dean doesn't like it, but I have powers that hadn't even started to develop back then, abilities he can't begin to understand.

Powers he wants me to turn away from…but how can I?

Why would I?

I killed more demons in the four months he was gone than the two of us did in a year. A whole year! And I saved most of the people they were riding, unlike Ruby's knife or half the standard exorcisms that end with another meatsuit salt and burn. With these powers I can wipe the demons out of their bodies and _save_ them, and that's pretty damn impressive.

And he expects me to just give all that up?

_Why? _

Why should I?

Because God and his angels told me to? Those angels are dicks. Dean said so himself, and yet he wants me to listen to them? Follow _them?_

He doesn't. He fights them every step of the way.

He doesn't listen to what they say, so why should I?

I spent years praying to God and his angels, and what have they done to help us? Nothing, that's what. All they've done is threaten us.

I am tired of their crap.

I am stronger than they are. I'm more powerful than I ever imagined I could be. And I am getting stronger every day. Who knows how far I can go…what I can accomplish, what _good_ I can bring.

I am the key to winning this war. I know it.

Why can't my brother see that? Why can't God's angels? If they are so powerful, so almighty, then they at least have to admit that.

Dean doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. He's been hurt enough.

I'm trying to protect him. Hell, I'm trying to protect the world. He needs to just back off. Let me hunt down Lilith, kill the bitch and save the freaking world.

If he can't support me in that then he needs to step aside. Get out of my way and let me do my job, what Ruby and I have trained for. We can beat this evil, but not if I'm always looking out for Dean.

I never would have said it, but the truth is he _is_ holding me back. He wants to do things the old-fashioned way, the way Dad taught us. That was fine when that was all we had, but these powers, this blood that's pumping through my veins, it's a blessing. It's given me the means to beat Lilith and defeat Lucifer.

_I know it._

Dean is scared and he _is_ weaker than me; that's just fact. Some terrible things happened to him in Hell and I think he's afraid of getting sent back. He's listening to these angels 'cause he owes them. Castiel pulled him out of Hell. Hell, I owe him for that. But that doesn't mean I have to listen to everything he says or do what he tells me to do.

I have a mind of my own. No one tells me what to do…_no one!_

Castiel doesn't _know_ me. He doesn't have a clue what I am capable of. He doesn't understand that I am strong enough to handle all this power. Direct it for good. I know what I am doing here and I am so tired of everyone treating me like the kid brother.

I'm a grown man. I can do this. I _need_ to do this.

Why can't everyone just back the hell off and let me do my job?

Dean doesn't understand and I never expected he would. I can't talk to him so I shut him out. It's easier.

I'm tired of listening to his concerns, his desperate pleas. I'm tired of seeing the hurt and doubt, the contempt and self-righteous spouting of God and angels and what _they _want, things Dean never believed in before. I know what I have to do. And when it's over, I know Dean will finally understand. He _has_ to…once he sees the truth.

When this is all over, everything between us will be good again. I have to believe that.

I've lost the brother I knew, the guy I always depended on…and this is all I have to try and save him.

Whatever is coming, however this turns out…

There's only one thing I want, one thing I need…

This is all for him.

I just want my brother back.

The End

bjxmas

April 2009

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Thanks for reading. I know this is a touchy subject and everyone has their own opinions. I was honestly a little scared to post this story, anticipating more flack and defense of one brother over the other. I love 'em both and it is their very complexity, including their very human imperfections that fascinate me. _

_The right and the wrong of it are only a small piece of the conflict._

_I'd love to hear your thoughts if you'd like to leave a comment. While times are tough for the boys now, I have no doubt they will eventually come together as brothers again, closer than ever. It is their humanity, together with their heroic core, that will ultimately save the world._

_Until next time, take care, B.J. _


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